The One That Got Away
by piratewench78
Summary: Rayna's story, in the aftermath of the accident and after she wakes from the coma. What decisions does she make about her future?
1. Rayna

**The inspiration for this story is the song "The One That Got Away" by The Civil Wars. It's a dark song that made me think about how Rayna might have been feeling after the accident, based on the spoilers we've heard so far. Although there are other characters in this story, this is truly Rayna's story and her perspective.**

_**(Thanks to KarenES for the beta read and the honest feedback.)**_

_I never meant to get us in this deep/I never meant for this to mean a thing_

_Oh, I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away_

Rayna started to get up from the table when Bucky cleared his throat, not looking at her. She sighed and sat down. "What?" she asked, a touch of annoyance in her voice. She thought they'd covered everything. She was still recovering from her injuries, so most of what she was working on right now was for her label. No one knew this, but she had also been seeing a therapist since just before she left the hospital. She had a lot of personal trauma to work through and having the opportunity to talk to someone who was completely objective had been immensely helpful. Having the time to do it was a gift.

"So," Bucky said, still not looking at Rayna. He seemed uncomfortable. He cleared his throat again. "So, Deacon's lawyer called me yesterday."

Rayna rolled her eyes. "I thought we had worked through everything with the settlement for his injuries." She used air quotes when she said "injuries." "He wants more?"

Bucky looked at her apologetically. "Well, yeah, but not money."

Rayna frowned. "Then what?"

Bucky took a deep breath. "Um, apparently he wants to establish paternity with respect to Maddie."

Rayna's eyes widened in shock. "Are you serious?"

Bucky nodded solemnly. "Yes. She's going to file the paperwork next week."

Rayna stood up and walked into the kitchen, fuming. "Why is he doing this?"

"Rayna, I know you don't want to hear this, but I think this is all because you won't talk to him. He's trying to get your attention, get you to see him."

"Well, this is definitely not the way to get that to happen now, is it?" She crossed her arms over her chest and rolled her eyes again. "He can do what he wants, but I'm not going to force Maddie to see him if she doesn't want to."

"I'm pretty sure he sees this as the only way to get to you."

Rayna flung her hands up in exasperation. "He needs to understand that isn't going to happen. I'm done with him. I'm moving on."

Bucky shrugged. "So, what do you want me to do?"

"Let him do whatever he's going to do. I can't make him not do it. But if he's trying to use this as a way to see me, I don't think he's going to be satisfied with that outcome." She felt tears coming on, tears of frustration and anger. "I get that he was angry about the whole situation with Maddie. But his reaction was exactly what I was afraid of. He's just a destructive person, Buck. I can't risk that with Maddie. I couldn't back then and I can't now. I can't trust him."

"Rayna, I understand how you feel. But what about Maddie?"

Rayna looked pensive. "I'm not sure. She hasn't really asked to see him or asked about him. I'm not pressing it either. She knows what happened, mostly. I think she's just not sure what to do."

"I think you need to be careful, Rayna. I'm not a lawyer, but I think Deacon does have some rights here."

"I guess. But that doesn't mean that I have to make it easy." She sighed. "I'm not going to prevent Maddie from having a relationship with him if she wants to. But if he thinks this is the way to get back in _my_ good graces, he's wrong. I'm done with Deacon, Bucky. For good."

Bucky wondered about that. He knew how angry Rayna had been once she woke up from her coma and she found out how serious things had been. Things hadn't improved as she had worked through her recovery. She had told him that she was looking at Deacon through a different lens these days. That she was rethinking everything. He wondered how long that would last. Their connection had been very powerful, but he also knew that she had been very rattled in the aftermath of the accident. To Bucky's way of thinking, there was plenty of blame on both sides and it was hard to say for sure whose pain was more justified. But it wasn't for him to judge. He just hoped for some peace.

###

After Bucky left, Rayna contemplated the idea that Deacon wanted to assert his parental rights. She had been afraid he would do this. That he wouldn't leave well enough alone. She had really hoped they could work through this privately, with Maddie taking the lead. She acknowledged to herself that what he was asking was not outrageous. Except for the fact that he was an alcoholic, an addict. He said he was back on track, that he was going to meetings, working his program. Coleman confirmed it. But the fact that he had fallen off the wagon so easily after thirteen years of sobriety had shaken her to her core. She had really thought he had found his groove. She acknowledged that the news that Maddie was his daughter was huge and definitely a game-changer, for both of them. But instead of working through his anger and hurt appropriately, he had headed straight to a bar and drowned his sorrows in whiskey. All she could think of was that he had, yet again, disappointed her.

When she had first woken from the coma, she didn't remember everything that had happened. She did remember being with Deacon and she did remember that he had been drinking. She was told that he had been arrested. Eventually her doctors told her how serious her injuries were and how close she had come to dying. When she had processed that information, she wept. And that was the beginning of her path to ending things with Deacon. Perhaps forever. She felt despair over the fact that they were back to where they had been years ago.

Deacon had asked to see her before she left the hospital. She had not been ready to face him. At first, she had felt hurt and sorrow, but the more she thought about where they were, the angrier she got. He sent notes that she wouldn't read and flowers without a card that she knew were from him and she made the nurses take them away. She had nightmares about the accident and would sometimes wake up screaming.

It was a night nurse who told her she might want to think about talking to someone about what she was going through. She told her that many people suffered post-traumatic stress disorder after a serious accident or near-death experience and that it often helped them work through the issues. The nurse helped Rayna locate a therapist who would be discreet. At first, the sessions were about the accident, but it became apparent early on that the real issue was around Deacon.

Rayna initially saw the therapist twice a week. At first, she had fought against the idea that she was an enabler of Deacon's addiction; she saw it as Deacon's problem and not hers. But the more they talked about it, the more she realized her part in allowing him to continue to go through the cycle of healing and back to addiction. It broke her heart to come to the realization that by allowing Deacon to have a safe haven to come to when he couldn't deal with sobriety any longer, she had prolonged his failure to get better. What she had seen as being supportive was actually hurting him. The day the therapist got her to talk about what was different the first four times Deacon went to rehab and the last time, she felt a tsunami of emotions. She sobbed for a long time, realizing, at last, that it was only when she wasn't there to catch him that he had finally stopped falling.

The hardest part, for her, was coming to terms with having to end her complicated relationship with him. She wanted to hate him, she wanted to deny their relationship, but the therapist helped her understand that she could still acknowledge her feelings and realize that she needed to move on. This time she needed to truly let him go. When she finally understood, and accepted, that the love they had had was real and it meant something, but it still wasn't good for them, she had her true breakthrough. She knew she needed to tell him, but she was reluctant to cause him hurt. Plus she wasn't sure she was ready yet to face him. That had been the focus of some of the recent sessions she'd had. And that was the part she was still struggling with when Bucky told her that Deacon was going to want to formalize his parental rights to Maddie.

The time was getting closer, she knew, when she would have to face him and tell him her decision. Her sense was that he felt regret for what had happened to the two of them in the truck that night, as well as the events that had led up to it, and that he wanted to make things right with her. Her heart felt heavy when she thought about how hopeful she had been that night she had stood on his porch and told him that she loved him, that she had always loved him. They had been so happy for that short while and then it had all exploded around them. She had let herself be ruled by her heart and she had been disappointed. One more time.


	2. Maddie

_I got caught up by the chase/And you got high on every little game_

_I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away_

Rayna was sitting in the den when Maddie got home from school. Daphne had gone to a friend's house, so for the afternoon it was just the two of them. Rayna smiled at her oldest daughter as she came to sit next to her on the couch. She reached for her and pulled her in close.

"Mom, can I talk to you about something?" Maddie asked.

Rayna pulled back and looked at Maddie's serious face. "Of course, baby. You can talk to me about anything."

"Really? Even if it's about Deacon?"

Rayna's eyes widened for a moment and her face turned solemn. "Even if it's about Deacon." That had been an unspoken off-limits topic ever since the accident. Rayna knew Maddie had talked a little about Deacon with Tandy, because her sister had told her, but Maddie hadn't brought him up to her. Maddie and Daphne both had been clingy in the weeks after Rayna had come home from the hospital, very protective of their mother, and they had avoided any difficult conversations or discussions about painful topics. Deacon being the most painful of all.

Maddie considered what she wanted to ask. It had been weighing on her mind for a while, but she hadn't known how to bring it up. But in light of recent events, she needed to. "I don't know what to do, Mom," she said finally. "Deacon's been calling me. A lot."

Rayna's eyes widened again. "What's he calling about?"

"I really don't know. When he calls, I don't answer. He just leaves a message saying he wants to talk to me."

"How often has he called?" Rayna ran her hand over Maddie's hair, smoothing it, and then putting a strand behind her ear. Anxiety sent little shivers through her body.

Maddie shrugged. "Five or six times maybe? In the last couple of weeks." She sighed. "I don't know what to say to him, Mom." She looked at her mother carefully. "I know what happened before the accident. That he was drunk. And I know he's an alcoholic, so…."

Rayna took a sharp breath in. "How do you know that?"

Maddie rolled her eyes. "All you have to do is Google it. Every article about your accident talked about it. They all said that he was drinking and doing drugs the whole time y'all were together and that you put him through rehab five times." She looked at Rayna closely. "Is that true?"

Rayna reached for Maddie and pulled her close. She hated that Maddie had seen all that, but she realized that it was too easy these days to find out all kinds of information. And her daughter had certainly proven herself to be very resourceful when she was looking for something. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry you had to see all that." She sighed. "But yes, all of it is true. Deacon had a really tough time with drugs and alcohol, mostly alcohol. I thought he'd figured out the solution this last time, but obviously not."

"Did he start drinking again because of me?" Maddie's voice was small and heartbreaking.

"No, of course not! Don't ever think that. Deacon has always loved you and I know he does now." She thought about how much to say to her daughter and decided she was old enough to hear the truth. At least some of it. "He started drinking again because of me. Because I didn't tell him about you. And I probably shouldn't have kept that from him." She pulled a little away from Maddie so she could look her in the face. "But that does not excuse him," she said sternly. "It was the wrong way to handle all of that. I need you to know that."

Maddie nodded. "I guess." She crossed her arms across her chest and rolled her shoulders forward.

Rayna's breath caught in her throat as she recognized that gesture as being something Deacon did. A lot. Especially when he was angry or hurt. "Maddie…."

"Mom, I don't know what to do. It feels weird. What do I say to him? And what about Dad?" She looked up at her mother, her face a mixture of accusation and confusion.

"What do you want to do about Dad?" Rayna decided to start with the less painful question.

Maddie looked away and then looked back. "He's my dad. I love him."

Rayna smiled sadly. "He loves you too, baby. I know he'd love to hear you tell him that. He's been so afraid you wouldn't want to be his daughter anymore."

Maddie moved so that she could curl up against Rayna. "Mom, I don't know how to be around Deacon anymore. When he was just our friend, it was ok. But now all my friends know about his drinking and stuff and it's, well, it's embarrassing. I don't know if I want to tell them that he's my father. And what if he wants to take me away from you?"

Rayna tightened her grip on Maddie and she frowned. "That can't happen, Maddie. He might want to see you and try to be a dad to you, but he can't take you away."

Maddie turned her face into her mother's shoulder, so her voice was muffled. "Why didn't you tell him?"

Rayna struggled with what to tell her daughter. She had asked the question before, in the heat of the initial revelation, and Rayna had given her a carefully constructed answer. The truth was too painful and she thought Maddie was too young to understand the complicated emotions and situations that had led to her decision not to tell Deacon he had a daughter. But now that Maddie had done her own research, she thought maybe she could get a little closer to the truth. She never wanted Maddie to know that Deacon couldn't remember the events surrounding her conception, but she thought there were more details she could share that would help her daughter put some order to her shattered world. "Maddie, I know I told you that Deacon had problems back then. So around the time that I got pregnant with you, he was probably at his worst. I was really afraid he wasn't going to be able to work through all of this. I put him in rehab one last time, but I couldn't be sure he could do it long term. I had to think about you. And you were the most important person in the world to me. I hope you know that."

Maddie sighed against her shoulder. "I believe you."

Rayna felt the tears start and she swiped at them quickly. "I wasn't sure Deacon could handle all of that, so that's why your dad and I made the decision we did. And you know that Dad loves you. You _are_ his daughter. I made a good choice for you there. And you can see now that all of this is hard for Deacon, so I think I was right to make that choice for you. But no matter what anyone might tell you, I made this decision for you and you alone. That was more important than any guilt that I might have felt about keeping it from Deacon or any pain that Deacon feels now." She kissed the top of Maddie's head and smoothed her hair. She didn't want to tell Maddie just yet that Deacon might ask to have his paternity established. She had really hoped that they would have been able to work this out privately and so she wasn't sure how to approach it with her daughter. "I don't know what will happen with Deacon or what he'll want to do. I want you to know, though, that I will always try to make sure that you have some choice in how that goes. And I hope that you know you can talk to me about it and I won't be mad at you for your choices."

"Thanks, Mom," Maddie said softly.

Rayna held Maddie close and closed her eyes. This was why she had to make the break with Deacon. Maddie shouldn't be going through this hurt and this confusion and this pain. And neither should she. She had lost sight of that when she had gotten back together with Deacon before the accident. She had pretended that everything that had gone on before no longer existed. She only remembered the good times and forgot about the pain and suffering and heartache. She had missed the subtle little clues that told her that he had not changed, that his obsession with her had not ebbed. And she had pushed down her own doubts, had allowed herself to give in to her own obsession and forget potential consequences. They had been playing their old game and it had only led them back to the same dark and painful place where those games had always ended.


	3. Tandy

_Oh if I could go back in time/When you only held me in my mind_

_Just a longing gone without a trace/Oh I wish I'd never ever seen your face_

_I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away_

Rayna was sitting on the picnic table when she heard the slam of a car door. For just a moment, she froze and felt a quiver in her stomach. Then she turned her head and watched Tandy gingerly make her way down the hill towards her. She grinned broadly as her sister grimaced trying to daintily walk to the table and climb up to sit next to her.

"Where the hell have you brought me?" Tandy asked with exasperation.

Rayna laughed and winked. "You should have worn your cowgirl boots, babe," she said.

Tandy rolled her eyes. "I don't do cowgirl boots, sweetheart. That's your thing."

Rayna hugged her sister and then linked arms with her. "Thanks for coming out here."

"Why couldn't we have just met at some nice restaurant?"

"This is my favorite talking spot."

Tandy smiled knowingly. "You used to come here with Deacon, didn't you?"

Rayna bit her lip and then leaned into Tandy. "Yeah. But I'm trying to rewrite the script for places like this. To exorcise old demons, in a way."

Tandy raised her eyebrows. "So Deacon is a demon?"

Rayna sighed and didn't respond directly to Tandy's question. "I have actually been seeing a therapist who is helping me work through all the old issues that got dredged up after the accident."

Tandy looked at her sister. "I'm really glad you did that, babe. I know there's a lot to work through and I'm glad you have someone objective to talk to."

Rayna turned and looked at her sister. "I was so angry when I woke up and realized what had happened. For a minute I felt like it was fifteen years ago and I was playing out the same old scenario with Deacon. He'd get sober, life would be wonderful for a little while, and then something would set him off and the next thing I knew he was back in the cycle. I'd be dragging him out of a bar or a hotel room or a hospital or a jail after he'd broken every promise he'd made to me. And then I remembered that he had gone thirteen years, _thirteen years_, this time and yet he still disappointed me. And while I get that finding out about Maddie was _huge_, he went back to his old habits." She bowed her head as she contemplated all that. "And I finally understood what Coleman told me all those years ago. I was no good for him. He was no good for me. I was just letting him do this over and over again. When Coleman told me I needed to let him go so he could get better, he meant totally let him go. And I couldn't do that. I let him go from my personal life, of course, but I kept him close. And all that did was keep those flames burning that were just going to destroy us, like they always did. So when I got back together with him, it was inevitable that we would be where we ended up. Maybe it wouldn't have been about Maddie, but it would have been something. Every time he got better, something happened to drag him under again."

Tandy frowned. "Babe, what happened to you wasn't your fault."

Rayna looked at her sister, her expression serious. "Actually yes, it was, Tandy. What my therapist has helped me understand is that I enabled Deacon. I let him do this because I never really held him accountable for what he was doing. When he would go back to his old habits, I still took him back. I still supported him. He was dragging me down, us down, every time he went back to drinking and pills, but I kept trying to shore him up. I would cry and I would yell and I would stomp my feet, but at the end of the day I was as addicted to Deacon as he was to booze and pills. And me."

Tandy was silent as she thought about what Rayna had said. She certainly understood what the attraction had been for her sister. Deacon was handsome, talented, and totally smitten with her. And he was a bad boy. But a bad boy who was loyal to Rayna. She had to admit, though, that he had always been a touch too intense for her liking, a touch too protective, too possessive. Rayna had really never had a boyfriend before Deacon. Although she was a pretty girl, she was shy around boys. Plus her love for country music had made her the butt of jokes in school and she kept mostly to herself. When she had ventured out to see if she could make her way in the world of country music, things moved quickly for her. She had been discovered by Watty White, who quickly teamed her up with Deacon, and before long they were being booked for paying gigs. That's when Lamar gave her the ultimatum that led to Rayna leaving home and quitting school to pursue her career. As a particularly naïve sixteen year old, she was easily swept away by the dark, brooding Deacon Claybourne. Rayna was right, she and Deacon had burned high and hot, but they had never seemed to burn out. Until the fifth time she put him in rehab.

She also knew, though, that this was more than just another fall off the wagon for Deacon. It was all well and good for Rayna to accept her part in Deacon's problems, but she wondered if her sister was overlooking the fact that she had kept Maddie a secret from him and just how devastating that had been for Deacon. Ironic that she, Tandy Hampton, was actually considering Deacon's side, but in the weeks since the accident, she had contemplated her own part in that cover-up and found herself wondering if they had made the right decision all those years ago. She tried understanding how she might feel in similar circumstances and found herself feeling ashamed.

"Are you sure, babe?" Tandy finally asked. "What about Maddie? Isn't he going to want a relationship with her? And that's going to mean he's still around. Can you handle that?"

Rayna scrunched up her face. "I kinda have to, I guess. He's going to ask to have his paternity established."

"Really. I guess I'm not surprised. Are you going to fight him on it?"

"What would be the point? He _is_ Maddie's father. I guess he does have rights, much as it scares me to think of him being around her. And it scares her a little bit too."

"She's talked to you about it?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, we talked about it the other day. She went on the Internet and read all the stuff she could find about him and about the accident. She wanted to talk about the stories about his times in rehab and the fact that he was drunk the night of the accident. It's so confusing for her. I mean, she's had this 'perfect' dad – and we both know Teddy wasn't really perfect – but he's been a good dad to her and he loves her and he takes care of her. And now she finds out that this man she's known all her life is really her biological father, but he's had a long history of alcoholism and he gets drunk when life gets tough." She sighed. "I can't imagine what that would feel like."

"I thought Deacon was back on his program."

"He is. He says. Coleman says he is. That he's serious about it. I hope so, for Maddie's sake."

Tandy leaned into her sister. "I know this has to be hard for you."

Rayna turned to her and shrugged. "It is and it isn't. In the cold light of day, a bad thing happened to me and I know what I need to do about it. But in my heart, it's harder. It's hard to say out loud that it's truly over." She was quiet for a moment and then asked, "Do you remember the song that Deacon wrote, 'The End of the Day'?"

"Yes." Rayna looked hard at her. "Ok, no, I don't remember it." Tandy smiled sheepishly.

"Well, Deacon wrote it about his experience with addiction and rehab and it was kind of like a love letter to me. It was about his hope that in spite of all that he was going through that I would stay with him, wait for him. That even though the struggle and the trouble wasn't over that I would be there at the end of the day. And, as you know, I was. I always loved that song because I thought it was such a great love song. But it's actually pretty sad when you really think about it." She stopped as tears pricked her eyes. "I know you don't really understand because you've never been in the same kind of situation."

"Sure I have." Rayna frowned at her. "Sweetheart, you were young and inexperienced," Tandy went on, "and you got involved with a guy who stole your heart and swept you off your feet and you would have done anything for him. That's not unusual when we're young. I was addicted to Charlie the same way."

Rayna looked confused. "Charlie had an alcohol problem?"

Tandy smiled. "No, Charlie was addicted to other women. But I was young and he was handsome and rich and he bought me nice things and I lived in a grand house. It was all I ever thought I wanted. But he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. I can't tell you how many times he came home smelling of perfume that wasn't mine or with lipstick stains on his shirt that weren't my color. And there were the nights he stayed out late or didn't come home at all. He would swear he'd make it up to me and he'd buy me something nice or take me on a grand trip. I finally was brave enough to cut him loose." She patted Rayna's hand. "It's taken you a little longer, but that's what you're doing now."

Rayna leaned her head on Tandy's shoulder. "I remember when Teddy was running for mayor and those men came in to do that vulnerability study. They asked me so many questions about Deacon and our relationship. I remember telling them that he and I were entangled. At the time I didn't think that was such a bad thing, but I realize now that I was just as addicted as he was." She sighed. "I keep thinking that I should have just left things as they were after I married Teddy. Where my relationship with Deacon was something that was just in my dreams at night. It was so much better to just let him be in my head instead of making it real."

"What have you said to him about all this?"

"Nothing. I've just avoided him. He wanted to see me after I came out of the coma, after I told the police that he hadn't been driving. I think the whole thing scared him and maybe it finally made him realize what he was losing. But I wouldn't see him and then he got mad. That's when that lawyer of his convinced him to go after me for money for his injuries. Which I would have taken care of without that, but it just made things tense. And I didn't feel like talking to him then either." She looked at Tandy. "I think the paternity thing is his way of trying to see me. And I guess I'm going to have to face this at some point. I don't really want to hurt him, but I think I will."

Tandy took a deep breath. "I don't want to upset you, but I kind of think you owe him some kind of explanation. You know I'm on your side, but he did get pretty blindsided by the truth about Maddie." Rayna started to say something and Tandy cut her off. "I know, I know, I sound hypocritical, but I'm just trying to think this through. I'm guessing he's still feeling pretty hurt by the whole thing."

Rayna was silent at first. "I guess," she said finally. "But there were good reasons for doing it."

Tandy nodded. "Yes, I know, we all thought so. But it was bound to come out eventually, don't you think? I don't think any of us really thought this through all the way and I don't think any of us imagined it would end this badly."

Rayna sighed. "I know Deacon was mad at me. I know he had every right to be, I really do. My heart aches every time I think about the look on his face when I told him he was Maddie's father. But, Tandy, I could have died. Just like Mom. Maddie and Daphne could have ended up without a mother. Just like you and me. As much as I do understand Deacon's hurt – and I really do – I can't get that out of my head. What's worse? Me dying or Deacon being lied to?"

Tandy took a deep breath. Those few days when Rayna's life hung in the balance were nightmarish. "You dying would have been unimaginable," she said quietly. She gripped her sister's arm a little tighter. "Do you think at some point the two of you will be able to get past all this and work things out between you? Do you want to?"

Rayna shook her head. "I don't think so. I don't know." Then she shrugged. "I just keep thinking that I waited fourteen years and thought he was ready and he wasn't. I have to accept that I'm not good for him either. I have to accept my part in all this. Everything I've done. So I think it might really be over."

"How do you feel about that?" Tandy looked at her with compassion, because she could see the emotional toll this was taking on Rayna.

Rayna smiled half-heartedly and her eyes glistened with tears. "Sad. So incredibly sad." Tandy put her arm around her sister and hugged her close as Rayna leaned against her, letting the tears fall.


	4. Deacon

_I miss the way you wanted me/When I was staying just out of your reach_

_Begging for the slightest touch/Ooh, you couldn't get enough_

Rayna turned and quickly exited the judge's chambers. She wanted to get out as fast as she could. Tears glistened in her eyes and she brushed them away as Tandy stood from her seat on the bench in the hall and joined her. She linked her arm through her sister's. "How'd it go?" she asked as they hurried for the exit.

Rayna shrugged. "He got what he wanted. Not surprisingly."

A door opened behind them and heavy footsteps quickly moved down the hallway. "Rayna!"

Rayna only imperceptibly hesitated. She pressed her lips together tightly and she kept going towards the door.

"Rayna!" The voice was closer.

She stopped. She had hoped to get out of the courthouse before he could catch her. But she didn't want to have this conversation outside. She actually didn't want to do this at all. It was one thing to talk to her sister about it, it was quite another to actually say it to Deacon. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "It's ok. Go on," she said softly to Tandy.

Tandy nodded and squeezed Rayna's arm. "I'll be in the car." She turned back and looked at Deacon. He had stopped when he saw Rayna stop. His face was carefully neutral. Tandy turned away and walked out of the courthouse.

Deacon watched Rayna. Part of him wanted to tell her that it was his lawyer who pressed him to ask to be officially named Maddie's father, that if it were up to him he'd have let Maddie set the pace. He wanted to tell her that every time he thought about Maddie, the lie still made his blood boil. But that he also thought about her lying there, next to him, outside the truck, after the accident, silent and barely breathing. He had been scared that night, scared that she would die, scared that he would lose her forever. He really did want to talk to her, to try to put things right, but she rebuffed him. Which made him mad again. He really wanted to change the ending of their story, but she wouldn't let him in. He had tried to reach out to her after the accident, but she pushed him away, wouldn't even acknowledge him, and that chilled him to his core because he was afraid that meant there was no hope. He wasn't sure he could just walk away for good and he was afraid that was what she intended to do.

He had been so angry after finding out Maddie was his, that Rayna had kept it a secret for thirteen years. She had betrayed him so completely. But seeing her unconscious, having Bucky tell him she might die, was a wake-up call. He still didn't understand her reasons, but he wanted to figure it out. With her. Not without her.

In the dark of night, when he couldn't sleep, he thought about her. He missed her. He didn't want to because he was still mad, still hurt. But, like their whole relationship had been, it was complicated. He was afraid she was going to give up on him. And he didn't know if he was ready for that. Which was why he had let Megan talk him into this paternity thing. It would keep her in his life until … until what? Either they would work it out … or they wouldn't?

Rayna took a deep breath. She wasn't sure she was ready for this. She had talked about this moment with her therapist but she was struggling. She thought she'd had it all worked out in her head, but she had come to realize that it was harder than she'd expected. She was trying to work through her feelings of guilt and responsibility for the lie that had brought them to this place. Everything about this was complicated. When she had broken up with him before that last time in rehab, she had felt such despair. This felt exponentially worse. She was committed to doing this; she thought it was best for both of them. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt.

Rayna finally turned and looked at Deacon, then nodded towards a side hallway. She walked that way and Deacon followed her. When she turned back to look at him, his eyes had that sad puppy dog look that had always tugged at her heartstrings in the past. But a lot had changed. She crossed her arms over her chest and took a deep breath. "I know you've wanted to talk to me and I'm sorry I've pushed you away," she said.

Deacon put his hands in his pockets and rolled his shoulders forward, working his bottom lip. He looked down and then back up at her, with the same puppy dog eyes. "I'm sorry, Rayna. About today," he said softly.

Rayna shook her head. "You're always sorry, Deacon. And nothing ever really changes. I've heard 'I'm sorry' too many times. That's how we ended up where we are. Because of 'I'm sorry'." She watched Deacon tense up. "I can't do this anymore. Neither can you. We aren't good for each other. Maybe we never were. You know, when I think back on our relationship, all I can think of is that every time you went to rehab, I was there when you came back. And you knew I'd take you back and you felt safe enough to fall down again and come back and say 'I'm sorry, Ray.' And four times, I took you back. Four times I let you break my heart. Four times I let you fall down again. When I finally wasn't there, you got better. You were able to get sober and stay sober. And then when I let you back into my life, you fell down again. But this time you almost took me with you."

Deacon tensed and clenched his jaw. He took a deep breath. "I made a mistake, Rayna. But so did you."

Rayna cut her eyes away guiltily. When she looked back at Deacon, her expression was softer. "I know. I'm sorry about Maddie. I know I hurt you by not telling you about her and I'm really sorry about how that all played out. If I could undo that decision, I would, but I can't. I'm going to regret how I hurt you for the rest of my life." Then her face grew grim. "But you know, Deacon, I have come to realize that you got sober that last time and you stayed that way to show me you could do it. To prove to me that you could be the man I wanted you to be. But I'm not who you should have done it for. You needed to do it for you. I remember telling you that I needed to be letting you go, and I meant that, but then I didn't really. I wanted you to believe that, but I really was hoping you wouldn't go. But now I really mean it. I need to let you go." She felt tears prick at her eyes and looked away. "All I can do is protect Maddie now. You should know that she's been reading all the stories. About us. About you."

Deacon frowned. "What stories?"

"About your history, not just that you were drunk the night of the accident. It's confusing for her. She knew you all her life as a good man who was dependable and loved her. Now that she knows about your past, she's not sure how to deal with that. And I'm afraid to trust you with her."

Deacon frowned. "I'm back in AA. I'm going to meetings, working my program."

"I know you say that. But you were doing that for thirteen years. Thirteen _years_, Deacon. And still, you went and got drunk."

Deacon bristled a bit. The accident had been a wake-up call for him but her words got under his skin. "Rayna, why can't we talk about all this now?"

"Deacon, we should have talked about 'all this' the night of the CMA's. Instead of you walking out on me and heading for the nearest bar. Instead of you staring down the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. That was our chance to work through it. That was your chance to prove to me that those thirteen years really meant that you had figured it out. That you had truly changed." She looked away and then back at him. She felt sick to her stomach. She hated doing this. To him. To them. "I can't do this anymore. I wonder sometimes if I should have ever done this."

Deacon's eyes got moist and he swallowed hard. "Are you saying that you regret us?"

Rayna smiled sadly and shook her head. "I wanted to. I tried to. Believe me. But I had to be honest with myself. I loved you. I really did. And when I came to you that last time I really believed we had a chance to have the kind of relationship I'd always hoped we could have. But we're just too much. Too much passion. Too all-consuming. We're like a roaring flame. We just burned each other up. We destroy each other. We should never have tried again. It was probably better to have just have let things stay the way they were. But the one thing I will always be grateful for is that you gave me Maddie." Her voice got rough with emotion, as she choked back tears. "Even though you don't remember, I do. She is the sweetest gift you ever gave me and, in case you're wondering, you gave her to me with so much love." She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Deacon, I almost died in that accident. I can't forget that. We just aren't good for each other."

She didn't know where all the words had come from. She knew she was being harsh with him, but it felt like the only way she could force herself to do this. This was even harder than she thought it would be, but it was the only way she could think of to force the break, for both of them. She knew he was trying to reach out to her, but she thought it was better for both of them not to go down that road again.

Deacon breathed in raggedly, tears streaking down his face. He looked away from Rayna. "If you had died, I would have died too, Ray. I know it would have been my fault," he said. "None of this is the way I wanted it to be."

"I know. It isn't the way I wanted it to be either," Rayna said softly. "I don't want to hurt you, but I know that I am anyway. We just can't be together. We may have been good together once, but we still kept hurting each other. We need to move on with our lives." The look of pain on Deacon's face broke her heart, nearly shook her resolve.

"So we really are done?" he whispered.

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, I think we are," her own voice barely above a whisper. She took a step towards him and gently squeezed his arm and then she walked back down the hall and turned for the door. It wasn't until she walked out of the courthouse that she let the tears stream down her face as her heart broke into a million pieces.

_Oh, if I could go back in time/When you only held me in your mind_

_Just a longing gone without a trace/Oh, I wish I'd never ever seen your face_

_I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away_

_Got away from me/Before anyone had to bleed…._

**Like everyone else, this is not the way I want their story to end. I hope that Deacon stays on the right path and that Rayna finally lets him back in. I refuse to believe they aren't meant to be together in the end!**


End file.
